That night she thought of all the people she could think of. She thought of all those names which she readily rejected now one by one, not worthy of consideration. She, for a moment, thought if they ever were worthy of consideration. She could not think of any such time.
Lying on the couch, crumpled like a piece of paper, Shirin seemed so tiny and unimportant. It was difficult to imagine that this woman was capable of inspiring respect and awe. She seemed so fragile.
“I love you” she moved her finger on the couch drawing the alphabets.
The phrase had lost its intensity, it’s meaning, the emotion that filled these words had been drained. But, it kept coming back to her, like a resound that echoed inside the walls of her brain. Her mind was blank. There was no thought, no thought that could make its presence felt. Only the three words which filled the void.
She felt disappointed. Her voice choked. She felt weak, unwanted and left out.
She felt she would collapse anytime now.
She had tried to reach out to people for help. She tried to communicate. They further stamped her effort to evade her situation. They thought she was acting weird. They thought and left. She thought she would have never done that to them.
She thought her heart will break. Not figuratively like it happens all the time to lovers. Her heart would break in real, into two parts. She imagined blood gushing out the way it did from a leakage in the pipe pumped with water. She felt a lump in her throat. A tear trickled down the corner of her left eye. She pushed rest of them inside.
She thought of dying but only if she could get up and live again in the same body, same room, around the same people who would tell her that she had been missed.
She had turned pale over the few days. She thought she was ill. She wasn’t.
She tried to smile to her reflection. It looked ugly.
Her room-mate was giggling on the phone talking to her lover. She heard a soft sound of laughter from the other side too.
They were happy. Plain happy. Without any reason.
She was sad. Plain sad. Without any reason? No, there was a reason. SHe didn’t want to admit it. She didn’t want to think of it. It was a petty reason according to her standards.