For the third time:
Now, you can go on reading it ( since you know it’s worth your time 😉 ):
My thoughts had taken an off that evening. They came to me like the soft gentle sensation of breeze, soothing me for a moment or two and then depart without a trace. I must have asked myself something but the question was lost, suppressed by a blanket of thoughts which had already gone by. I sat there, beside the blossomed flowers-red, yellow and blue- and thought of nothing- neither specific something nor general anything. The only thought that echoed back to me seconds later, was my own awareness of thoughtlessness.
I don’t know when I let myself relax and lay on the grass pushing my footwear on one side. With my head drawn back I stared at the moonlit starry sky without paying much attention to it.
The man sitting beside me stretched his legs a little and gave out a soft croon which my brain failed to register immediately. It occurred to me that he might have hoped that I will turn my gaze and take a note of him but I was too lost in my own strange world of something that was active within me, oblivious of everything outside except those colorful petals-red, yellow and blue and and a calm assurance of his warm presence beside me.
I was wearing a pearl white chiffon dress with a royal blue drape thrown carelessly around it. Unaware of my own appearance, I did not know why I was neither conscious nor nervous. As I lay there, the dew laden grass twigs occasionally danced around my feet on the tunes of invisible breeze, sending an unfamiliar tingling sense of excitement that reverberated through my whole frame all at once. I had had that sensation many times earlier that evening provoked by his touch as I sat with him surrounded by people, mostly friends.
I closed my eyes for a second and an image marooned in my conscious brain. I saw myself, the way I was then, but wearing a coronet of flowers-red, yellow and blue. I had no thoughts to comment on that image that resurfaced in my brain and seemed to echo inside. I neither understood its significance nor did I make an attempt to.
It was a full moon night and the stars twinkled in the clear sky. Behind us stood a monument that housed a number of deads.
He thought of the long journey he had travelled to reach this place. I thought of nothing.
He thought of the beautiful starry sky, amazed by its miraculous stretch. And again I could think of nothing.
He thought of me. And still, I thought of nothing.
He moved beside me. He placed his arm around me and as his skin touched mine, thoughtlessness silently seeped into him. Inactivity descended on him too. There were no clear thoughts, no clear vision, only a myriad of thoughts which effortlessly walked past his mental slate without making an impression.
He kept his jacket aside, eased his shirt out and pushed his shoes out of himself.
I moved closer and leaned on him. There was something that was guiding our action and our body seemed to dance on the tender tunes of the magic that was around us. He let his hand travel to my waist and in the course of that movement; I felt a not-so-unfamiliar tingling sense of excitement that reverberated through my whole frame all at once. It was as if my body was nothing but a string instrument and under his touch it produced a rhythm that was at once calm and serene.
He thought of nothing…nothing in particular. I thought of nothing as well. My conscious brain was benumbed. The evening was taking a strange turn and all of it seemed to be affecting us in a strange way.
He had sat all evening with his arm around me, graciously meeting friends and their friends, delving in our own conversation amidst each other’s laughter and their sound of chatter. Inebriated now by each other’s presence, we lay there alone in a thoughtless and unplanned proximity staring at the sky and sharing obliviousness towards everything. The bouquet of flowers-red, yellow and blue- that he had brought for me slept beside me.
“Tell me about it,” I asked. My voice was soft, nothing more than a whisper. Though to me it seemed as if I had hardly spoken anything, but when he looked at me with his gaze dissolving on my face it seemed that I had asked everything that needed to be asked.
“I was lying on my bed that day and something happened. I don’t know what exactly,” he started. He seemed unsure and lost.
“And?” I asked as if it we were in a dream and in the dream my voice seemed to me as if I was somniloquing.
My hair slowly slipped towards my eyelid as I gently turned my face towards him passing my gradually mounting sense of curiosity to him through my gaze. I saw myself looking at his face. His expression was a little puzzling and for a moment it seemed that our face reflected each other’s appearance or just our thoughts. He let his hand gently caress my arm as he pulled me towards himself.
“And I thought that night,” he started again, “I couldn’t do it anymore.”
“Was it a gradual shift or a deliberate feeling or a rushed and desperate realization?” I asked as I moved my hand onto his chest. I did not recognize the force which motivated me to take such a bold step but when my hands moved mapping his chest with its slow careless touch, each movement seemed so natural.
“I don’t know.” he answered.
And it seemed to me that there wasn’t a better way to answer my question. I felt satisfied. It was a strange feeling. It had an unfamiliar kind of effect on me, it was pacifying.
“Somewhere deep down I don’t know where but I know it for sure because I feel it very strongly that I am smiling and I am smiling from inside. I feel light and I feel good. And I feel good about everything around.”
“Look at me, Jes.” he said with assumed sense of confidence and definiteness in his voice.
I could not lift my gaze. My heart was racing. I knew what he had to say but I had never seen him say it on my face. The entire evening, the meeting, the lying together seemed to be adding up so that we could reach this moment, but now when it was here, I was scared. I don’t know what came over me but I could no longer feel myself except the beating of my heart and the force of throbbing pulse in my brain. It was beating so fast and the way it expanded in my chest, it seemed to me that it will explode any moment. I kept my stare fixed at his chin for I knew if I raised my eyes to meet his eyes, I would lose myself. I did not fear losing myself per se so much as I feared that the moment will evade me and I will never remember it if I was lost. I wanted to be alive to all these moments; to look at it through my own eyes, feel it from my own stand-point, and know it how it feels for the first time. I could feel his racing heart. I knew it was alive too. He held my face between his palms and lifted it to meet his eyes and I saw his eyes brimming with love, desire and intense sincerity. It was so powerful that I could not but lower my eyes at once. It was too much love for me to absorb all at once.
He left my face and held me by my shoulder. I imagined him staring at me with his piercing gaze. Suddenly, it felt as if he could look through me like a transparent glass. My frame seemed to have turned into a sheet of paper with all my feelings clearly inscribed on every inch of it to be read by him. For a moment I shivered in expectation and when I gathered myself to look at him on his face I started feeling that I was floating in an unknown dimension. An unfamiliar lightness seemed to descend upon me. I looked at him filled with expectation. His face seemed to blur in front of me. I felt a sudden inexplicable urge to cry.
And then he said: “Jes!” and stopped.
I thought I would melt then and there. The way he said it, it stirred something deep inside me.
“Jes, I love you.” He moved towards me.
…And I blushed.