Tag Archives: complexity

Pages From My Diary


 After waking up this morning, when I opened the newspaper as per my habit and marched straight into the middle of the pages, I wasn’t greatly disturbed with the reports on the recent plane crash or the peculiar kind of storm in eastern states. But suddenly a smiling face swirled in front of my eyes in kaleidoscopic fashion and then the movement stopped and the face appeared again smiling and staring at me as if taking an unknown pleasure from the kind of state I was in.

The events of the last night’s dream which had evaded my mind altogether after leaving the bed slowly started piling up in my conscious mind. I was astonished by the fact that I could clearly remember all that happened in the dream, even the marks of the smile and the precise movements of the face, while usually, I have only faint recollections of my other dreams left with me when I get up. I Googled my behavioral pattern and was appalled to find that these are the symptoms of one who is falling in love. It was true that I had not seen that face for the last many years and all my knowledge about the physical appearance was due to the few photos that are displayed in the profiles on social networking sites and few others that was mailed to me.

When my sense organs had perceived him in real I never knew that such will be the impact of engaging with Sarthak. In fact he had completely escaped my attention and his presence was never felt in the way I feel it today. He was someone whom I didn’t give a piece of my mind except for academic reasons. He was a distant competitor of mine in school according to the teachers, though I had no such individual plans to compete and I never came in close combat with him. I had simply no personal bearings with him and he was no more than a figure in the class and an unknown figure in my conscience. I came to know of him only through the marks he scored and the books he carried. The things he wore were just a part of his image, essential because it would seem strange to remember him without clothes. I never thought it needed any description. I never invested anything in knowing him, simply because, I had never felt the need and not because he wasn’t not worth it. In fact I still don’t know what his worth is, whether he deserve this description or even the kind of mayhem that he had been creating in my life since the last few days. Sometimes I regret that I didn’t take the initiative to know him when I could, when he was a real person roaming around me in flesh and bones. But then I explain myself that it would have been of no use. We would have parted ways like now, and things would have changed between us and within us. The way I have changed over the years in my appearance and behavior, attitude and relation, he must have also undergone this process. So the limited amount of interaction between us now does not give me sufficient amount of insight into his personality. I don’t know whether to rely on the information I collect while talking to him. At times I tend to trust his words but then back off realizing that he might just be pretending. I might be over estimating him by allowing him this exceptional faculty of play-acting or he indeed was an expert.

It may be only my fierce urge to know him that is driving me crazy. This entire frenzied state of mine may be just because of my intense curiosity to access his true nature. But what is this extreme interest in him for? Why am I so interested in knowing him? This kind of behavior is certainly strange. Why is he intruding in my thoughts? My mind wanders uncannily towards him. It is virtual blindness that everything he does or speaks seems to me right and amusing. In fact, when I saw one of his photos, initially I could not classify his face as a handsome sight in any sense of the word. But now gradually from everyday watching, I tend to like it. I like talking to him though sometimes it is not that pleasant. He mocks at me, flatters me, and reveal the unrevealed part of my personality. I still can’t believe that with him why do  I tend to be terribly honest though there is no such compulsion? It is not that I am morally bound to behave that way but I just feel comfortable being so.

I can look at myself getting disturbed with my current position. I am astonished by the changes I confront every day. I don’t want to admit that it’s Sarthak who has made me so, not because it is shameful but I know he will laugh it off.

So, I have been trying to ignore him and whenever we happen to meet I try to keep the conversation formal and unreflecting. I don’t want him to have the slightest idea about my condition not because I am embarrassed but I am apprehensive that he will never believe this. I don’t tremble at the bleakness of his prospect with me but at the disappointment it shall cause to me and possibly to him also. I think I must give some time to this-probably a year or two to understand him better and get out of this curious phase. Probably that may bring some respite. As for now, I think I feel little lighter. I can relax now and watch the relationship mature into something.

Good Night! 🙂

Chapter 2

Am I to blame for this??
…oh yes! Absolutely!!
But then, I could not sense the impending disaster…I could not apprehend the result…I had no clue what would happen if the mystery was revealed…how will I explain to the people? And most importantly, how will I face you? Oh, I never thought about all this.
Oh…could I not keep it a secret?
But I did try! Yes, I did not force Sarthak to read my mind. I never discussed with him about this…about my unstable position… about my restlessness.
I could not calculate the degree of its effect on our relation (no relation is not the word, better to say acquaintance).

I had resolved to shut myself and observe him for a year or two, and I could have easily practiced my resolution. I didn’t want to influence his decision or perception about me by hinting at my nearly unreasonable inclination towards him. But then, I could no longer live with a heavy heart brimming with the undisclosed commotion. I could not keep it within me for even a day now. I had to confess. And I did confess. I blurted out the secret locked inside. And soon things have begun to change. Things between us are no longer the same, it has changed. But it hasn’t changed much though. We are carrying on the way we used to. It was only that now he  knows what has been going inside me. But I am still drawing connections and trying to choose from his statements and words, things that were reliable or may be things that I want to rely upon.

I want to believe him, but I am still scared to find a mask on his skin.

This may be his case too. But strangely none of us seems to feel the urgency. I have possibly passed the phase. I am now enjoying the game laid before me and he admitted today that it was fun. At times you know, he is terribly funny but I never find him weird. I guess, I am falling in love with your disposition. But I smelt that he is careful. Unlike me he doesn’t just flow or maybe he just does not think so much about all this. He seems to be watching his behavior and backs off as soon as things start becoming serious… exercising absolute discretion. So, we were avoiding confronting the real words. And I was not waiting either. I was now happy with this…being nobody for him. This is a carefree status.

Anyway, we are there for each other only to entertain ourselves and one another.  We are slowly breaching the lines of decency, but it is so much fun being indecent.

He is getting closer as I am getting closer to you my diary, and I am addicted to his company like I am addicted to your company dear diary!

But today, he dropped that terrifying question and the sense of insecurity popped up within me. He asked me that one thing which I dreaded the most. I was caught completely off guard then. I looked towards the heaven, “God! He wants an answer!” It was time for a decision, either to be honest or pretend to be ignorant to his question. And I tried both. But he was bent upon on having an answer and I poured out my insecurity. He wanted to see me and this scared me. I feared the disappointment; he might not like me after all these years and then he will not give a damn to me. Of everything I was at least sure that he aspired for the beauty; the kind of beauty that pleases the senses. I was scared that if I don’t find him the way I have imagined, all these feelings might just drain off.

Diary,I did not want to lose my state of bliss…

Chapter 3

Suddenly, everyone around me seems to be talking about beauty. I opened the newspaper and a girl had written about a handsome boy she had met on the metro. She described him “incredibly handsome”. The ingredient of his beauty was slim and fit body, deep blue eyes and lovely smile. I think you will  agree that if her description was to be trusted then one cannot deny that the guy must have been a treat to watch. Beauty has nearly an instantaneous kind of appeal. A survey had appeared in yahoo news informing me that people who are good-looking enjoy a greater degree of confidence than those who are average-looking. So the fact was declared now. The continuous flow of information about looking good: its appeal and its advantage are adding to my worry.

Today when I craned my neck to get a view in the mirror. I was dumbstruck to see the reflection. I could not believe my eyes it was nothing less than a miracle. The face seemed perfect with snowy white skin, a tinge of blueness in the cornea, lovely smile and a few strands of hair dangling near the ears. I did not know how to thank god. No doubt He existed, He was with me in my moments of agony and so finally he had blessed me with such an angelic face. I stood up to the mirror to admire my own beauty. But I was appalled to see my old face again at the opposite side. I searched the mirror to find the leftover of that beautiful face I had seen earlier. I could find none. I sat on the chair perplexed facing my desktop and I found the snow-white skin on it. I realized that the reflection in the mirror a while ago was of Kerry Russell smiling on my screen. I was probably hallucinating. I sat on the floor and shook my head.

The conversation with Sarthak last night is probably hitting me hard. I am disappointed at my lack of beauty which is empowering my poorly functioning brain.
I need to relax.

Am I trying very hard to save my state of bliss?

But, he is so tempting and I do not want to lose his company. All I want right now is to be turned enchantingly beautiful…elegant and graceful. Fantasy yes! Fanciful ideas have filled my system of thoughts. I want to catch hold of a magician and plead him to make me beautiful overnight.

Mom had a fresh piece of news in her store today. The girl of Choubey’s, she informed, had grown up into a beautiful young lady. She was tall, slim and the most frustrating thing was that she is astonishingly beautiful. The words appraising her beauty seems to echo in me, ringing a bell in my mind. I am exhausted. I can not stand this anymore.

I  asked mom seeking respite.
“mom! Am I beautiful?”
“Terrible… asahniya (unbearable)…” And her voice trailed on.
“The heat here is terrible.”
I did not know what to make out. Oh may be she did not hear my question.
He has never asked me to be physically appealing.  So, am I the one who is thinking so much about it? Is it was my sense of insecurity which was tearing me? I want to recover from my present situation. I need to ease my mind. I want some moments of tranquility. I am exhausted thinking about this strange fetish for beauty among people. Is it true that a beautiful partner is easier to love? Do we want a beautiful partner just because we want the world to envy us? Was being beautiful so important?
Oh no! It is driving me nuts.
The cell beeped just now and I rushed to see, in the hope that it could possibly change my chain of thoughts. I checked my inbox and found a friend’s message informing about the fantastic day he had just spent. I decided to stop worrying about my trouble and become a part of friend’s affairs. I enquired further.

When people are happy they expect a similar kind of enthusiastic response. Similar is the case with saddened people. They want you to sympathize in their cause. I used this conclusion of my observation and replied in an equally energetic tone.

I read the reply when the cell beeped again. He was happy because he had seen a lot of “totas”( beautiful hot chicks) that day and that his friend’s girlfriend was no less. I wanted to yell at him. How dare he add to my already suffering state? But he had no I idea of what I was going through and therefore was soon acquitted of all blames. But I had lost all the courage to inquire further and so I replied that I was sleepy and would talk later.

Sarthak had never said that he wanted his girl to be beautiful but wasn’t that an inevitable ingredient? Falling in for someone was only possible when that someone pleased the senses in the first place.

I keep changing sides on my bed when these terrible thoughts are busy terrifying me. Only when I get  exhausted then I can sleep dream-lessly. The kind of peace I am trying to seek, it finally arrives in the form of sleep. Nothing disturbs me after I close my eyes.

All quiet…all agonies absorbed!

Chapter 4

Sarthak  thought that I was nervous only when I told him, but he could not sense it. He is right about the way we talked; we are miles away from each other, completely unaware of the kind of reaction that follows our conversation. There isn’t any way to access each others’ reaction except the words we conveyed to each other. We could not evaluate for even the facility of hearing each others’ voice was denied to us. This was disturbing him though not me. I was not bothered that I could not hear him. Though at times it seemed necessary in order to understand the kind of effect our conversation had on each other. We were together only when we wanted to and I liked this. So when he was with me it meant all his time was for me. It meant, he had willingly chosen to spend some time with me. We left the rest of the world when we were engaged in each other. For those few hours I turned to you, unconcerned about everything else. It was strange that all our conversation was centered on us, without nearly no discussion about others. We were simply not interested in anyone except ourselves.
True, that we talked to each other in that specified time for definite hours, but all through the day it seemed to me that he was somewhere near. I talked to him continuously as if he was listening. I had stopped talking to myself because I had a listener. I did not force this setup. I don’t know when it started. He walks with me all along. He is beside me, never leaving me alone…always in my thoughts. He is always listening me… on my bed…my chair…my terrace…my stairs…and yet I am not offended by his presence anywhere and everywhere. But thankfully he is only a companion of my solitude. It isn’t that I miss him or want him always at my side. I was happy with the newly established system of affairs. I talk to him now not to know  him rather to understand myself better…in order to analyze my position and my changed behavior I look at him.

He has found the keyword of this book. he has learnt to read this open book…now helping me to study myself.

Chapter 5

Was I secretly in love with him? No, this isn’t true. Yes, I like him, but that is a casual issue. Isn’t it? I like spending time with Sarthak once in a while and it is just for fun, to entertain myself. I do not think about him more than this, or do I? But that doesn’t mean that he is just an entertainer. I genuinely respect him, not because of his achievements but because I personally think he deserves it.

We avoid being serious when together. I like to have a wonderful time with him; I laugh with him and sometimes at him (though this happened rarely) and I love it.

Today when we met, he asked me “why all of this now?”
This according to him was what I was thinking when he asked me the probability of someone like him and a girl like me ending up together.
I was honored when the question came from someone like him. I had always thought that he will never be honest about his feelings regarding me. Sarthak always took a right about turn under the guise of “I was kidding”. So I was left puzzling whether to believe him or not.
But today he had himself initiated the discussion and that was the first pleasant surprise for the night, many more were lined up. His questions tonight were to become jewels in my crown.
But the question he had asked unfortunately required a numerical calculation of probability. And probability you see, had been an Achilles heel since std. 12. To avoid appearing like a fool I just beat around the bush.
Strangely he took to answer the question, “Is it one in a million?”
Oh my god!! Of course I did not pinch myself but even if someone would have slapped me at that time I would not mind it. I was on cloud nine but realizing that I had to come down and talk to him further I shooed the question again.
He must have realized it but today, Sarthak was either reluctant of pressing it as usual or something else that he let the question float away.

He did not sound usual. He admitted that he had been thinking about me really hard. On hearing that I felt like kissing everyone around starting with him. Now if he had asked me if I happy then that would be a real stupid question.
I had never imagined myself occupying a section in his life leave alone being a part of your thoughts. But he looked obviously disturbed. I had to struggle tonight to understand him.

He was so messed up. He had probably started feeling what I had already gone through but may be the intensity differed. I did not know whether to be happy on the fact that he was thinking about me or be sad that I had disturbed him.

It was difficult for Sarthak to straighten his thoughts.
Yes the things are not simple .it isn’t that straight.
You know Diary, I was elated when he said that he had been thinking about me. Yes I was enjoying the restlessness. I was more than happy to know that he wanted me to feel exactly what was going within you. My heart  bounced to hear his words.

He said that he was wondering whether he had actually fallen in for me. He spoke his heart out that day.

There was a strange kind of something I felt then as if everything else had stopped when he said that he was just being foolish because he was still caught in a dilemma. For those few moments all I wanted was to sit on my knees and ask him to make me his.
And you know diary, he was generous to ask me that also. Finally he did ask. Before this had kept kept on moving in and out, he fell silent, he was trying to pacify himself probably.

And then he dropped the question. Even after all the conversation till now seemed to hint at this question finally yet I wasn’t prepared.
“Do you love me?”

It seemed he was unable to decide whether he was in love or I was in love. Of course I was miles away from being an incarnation of Juliet.
If I had been an expert I would not be experiencing this commotion in the first place. I was myself trying to decipher my state of flux. I was hopelessly screwed in my situation. The bleakness of the prospect did not bother me. I wasn’t concerned about how this relationship will end. The issue of beauty and disappointment, being in and out of the relation were not my prime concern. I was hooked to a more fundamental crisis. I was appalled by my changed behavior. I basically did not want to fall in love now. This was simply not the time.
When I confessed finally he also identified with my problem. I asked him whether he was trying to make me understand or explain himself.

All he replied was that we are complex…at least I was, he thought.

It was time my dear and we had to decide. We had to arrive at something, for this could not be left open anymore. So finally I decided to ask him one last question and everything depended on his response now. We were about to decide the future. It was a heavy task. He would be deciding not just for himself but for me also. It took all my courage to submit myself to him. But I finally did ask.
“Should we part?”
The question ripped me apart. I had lost all my strength. I dreaded to see his answer. I knew I was to be sad in either case.

He said “yes, that would be better!”

Diary, he gave me a point-blank answer and I could not gather myself to insist for a justification and he refused to explain. I had myself shattered my state of bliss. But then, I knew this would happen.
To comfort myself I said that I have always been scared of being just another girl in his life. This was the last thing I had kept to myself all these years.
“You are the girl I admire the most.”
These were his parting lines…his last words to me… in my virtual blindness I liked this also
…and we left each other alone…never to meet again.

Good Night!