In that corner dark blue, I sit with my locks touching the floor, arms enveloping my folded legs, cheeks enclosed by my knees and nails digging into the flesh of my arms in an attempt to control my laughter and suppress the sound of my giggle. Fluttering around me are those pages and photographs which are testimonial to that period when I hunted upon blank sheets and any camera that I could lay my hands upon to capture all that which is now the only testimonial of our relationship. Words inscribed on these papers are silent listeners which alone can fathom the nature of bond between you and me. Now these words are my only recluse today. I laugh the most thinking about that night when I was writing-
“When the lights will grow old
The streaks of color shall not be bold
And I will lie unaware
I will die thinking of you
And your words shall echo
In that corner of my solitude
When you shall not be there to make me smile
I will laugh thinking of you
I will hear myself speaking
The invention of your words
Unknown and undeciphered by the world
I will feel those words thinking of you
You made me laugh
I will think of your silly acts
Your way to keep me smiling
I will smile thinking of you
You mock at me
The way you play with me
It irritates me now
I will crave for that thinking of you
All your promises in vain
Your words will sound hollow
And my desires unfulfilled
I will be waiting thinking of you
When decades after
You will not be close
And I will sit alone
I will find myself thinking of you”
That night I was unexpectedly disturbed by the knock on the door. I left the pen on the floor and stood on my toes. I found myself frustrated on being disturbed and that too when I was engrossed in your thoughts. But soon, I was terrified when I realised that it was quarter past three. Shivering at the idea a little I could not think whom to expect so late. It was strange that someone would need me at this time. But before I could evaluate the possibility of entertaining a potential guest I was disturbed by the knock again; this time it was a more patient three time knock. Slowly I crawled towards the door and opened it. But the one whom I found standing was expected the least.
I just could not think a little…could not just make out that in this whole wide world it could only be you who may need me at this hour. I felt surprised and shocked simultaneously to see you. Surprise was a natural feeling but was shocked to see your ways. I did not know how to react. I could not think what kind of expression would suffice your strange kind of behavior that night. Your appearance was ghastly. The crushed light blue shirt you wore seemed to be hanging on you. And your disheveled hair gave a clear indication that things were not at place. You carefully held my hand and started walking closing the door behind you slowly.
I was little puzzled. I did not know what to expect. Where were you leading me? But I left worrying about all this soon and started thinking about the world around.
This world could never become a part of us…neither then nor now. The world around judged us by the established parameters and their judgment therefore was doomed to be a fiasco. It was beyond common comprehension…impossible for them to assess the unconventionality of this unique kind of understanding that existed between you and me. We travelled in a timeless space when together. You existed beyond your spatial existence. You had been more than just a ‘confidant’, better than just a ‘friend’ …you were the companion of my every minute.
It suddenly struck me that you had not spoken a single word that night. I did not know where we were going. I was following you without any resistance. For a moment, I had felt a strong urge to stop and ask you, but, I dropped the idea thinking that it might disturb your stream of thoughts. Moreover, it was always a pleasure to walk along you, destination and time was never an issue.
Suddenly you stopped and I saw that we had reached the edge of the city and behind us lied a ruined building. I felt a little tired and sat on the stairs of that building. You left my hand and sat under an Ashoka tree at a distance right in front of me. I was least bothered about what you must be thinking. I liked watching when you were inside yourself. You seemed to be noticing everything around you and associating with it. And then after few moments of complete silence you turned your back towards me and I heard you speak softly.
You said, “This is what life actually is, “swarm of oddities” those who toil whole day can never experience what I am witnessing now because they all get tired at the end of the day… all those people will consider me a crank. But this will stop after sometime…it will have to. I will have to stop after sometime. I will have to return against my wishes cause of the complications we have molded around ourselves. I will have to return to toil to feel something like this again. Life is making me aware of its norms… now that we strive and take pain all the time so that one of these days we can feel this need for this kind of satisfaction. What we need is freedom and liberty to trust our heart and fuck the rules. If I had followed the rules and not got off my colony stealthily at 2:30, what would have happened? I would be roaming around in that four walled space getting restless. I was sick of looking at my confined space. I wanted to expand. So, it’s lot better that I roam around here.” You got up and walked towards me and said, “I am walking…walking alone here with you where everything is so still and so silent…tranquility everywhere. I wanted you beside me so that you can trace me back so that I don’t get lost.”
You paused a little and turned towards me but your eyes were never on me. You started off again where you had left.
“As soon as this occurred to me I was seduced by the idea and desperately wanted to move out. The risk involved in this added to the adventure. I did not know where I was heading to when I spilled over the boundary. But, when I felt the air outside I felt unleashed.
The way you pronounced “unleashed” it seemed to have a larger impact. Right at that moment I witnessed something that shook me off. It seemed as if you had set forth the process and slowly dawn was being unleashed from the grip of darkness. The mighty sky beyond us seemed to change its color. But what spread in front of my eyes left me too still to react in any way.
I walked towards you and shook you by your sleeves and raised my finger towards the horizon which presented us with the few streaks of sun light. The rays seemed to splatter before our eyes and it left us mesmerized. This was a sight of lifetime…beauty at its best. I was so astonished by what I saw that I was left dumbstruck. I fell on my knees with my eyes and mouth wide open. I did not realize that the sun might have caught me staring it foolishly and out of excitement it seemed to brighten up. The rays fell on you and your shadow fell on me sitting dumb and silent beside your feet. I was so engrossed that I lost my attention only when something gently stroked my cheeks. I felt your fingers caressing me. You pointed towards my mouth still open in awe. I saw you looking straight into my eyes. Your shirt was halfway unbuttoned. It seemed as if I had absorbed something of the first streak of dawn and when I looked at you it felt as if you had something of the night sky still within you. I felt we were inclining towards each other striving to meet our partial ends. We were finally heading towards each other and gradually things grew blurred before my eyes. It felt heavenly when instead of eyes and brain I sensed you through my skin and flesh. I felt complete and content.